Current Weight: ??? lbs.
Savage Countdown: 0 days
I apologize about being a week late
in having an update after the race. My overzealous self decided it would be an
amazing idea to run the race, then move to Orlando and setup my apartment this
week, so I’ve had no time to work on my blog or the race video. I also took
this week off of my nazi diet because I’ve been dieting since January and I
needed a break, especially after working so hard on prepping for that race. The
video won’t be done until next weekend either, but I can at least give you a
review of the obstacles and how well team O.U.C.H. did on their first outing!
Race Review
WE CAME! WE
SAW! WE CONQUERED! Team OUCH finished with overall good times, and are as
follows:
Place/ Tag/ Name/ Town/Sex/Age/ Time
205. 3323 Jahns Robert DADE CITY M 48 3:16:34
321. 6971 Vaughan Sarah LAKELAND F 22 2:44:23
402. 7089 Walker Kyle LAKELAND M 24 2:44:29
496. 4756 Myers Crystal RICHLANDS F 26 2:44:30
632. 2860 Harboe Sean BARTOW M 26 2:44:23
634. 6530 Stone Will LAKELAND M 26 2:44:29
753. 4856 Nichols Walsh LAKELAND M 26 3:16:35
Overall we finished in about 2 hours and 40 minutes. Not bad
considering they tacked on an additional 2 miles at the last minutes (it went
from 5 miles to 7.2).
And now for the part you’ve all been waiting for, the
obstacle review:
1.
Shriveled Richard
The name more or less says it all...
An obstacle I was hoping
wasn’t until somewhere in the middle of the race is, of course, the first
obstacle. It actually wasn’t quite what I expected (aside from obscenely cold
and causing most gown men to shriek in notes they should not be able to hit).
Jumped in the dumpster full of ice water, yea, as expected, balls cold, but
what makes it worse is they have 2x4s with barbed wire on top so you HAVE TO
DUCK INTO THE WATER! To make it worse, the dumpsters were at a downward slant,
so the ice had built up at the end of the obstacle and it progressively gets
colder as you trudge through it. Upon exiting the obstacle, my feet were numb
for a good 10 minutes, which I rather enjoyed to be quite honest. Everyone else
in the group didn’t seem to approve of my enjoyment.
2.
Swamp Ass
Yay for abuse of stock photos!
Next is the obstacle designed to steal your shoes. You
trudge through heavily wooded area, over 2 small river beds in a bunch of mud
that smelled of raw sewage. I felt sorry for the people who did the later heats
when it was more hot and humid out and im sure the smell only worsened as the
day progressed...
3.
Rubbers
Ever had to jump through
tires in a boot camp setting? Were they all ghetto and different sizes so it
only really discriminates against people with big feet? These were, and did,
and yea…I hate tires…
4.
Colon Blow 5000
I was channeling my inner rodent...?
This Obstacle, as the signs said
all around it, really made you feel like a gerbil. You crawl under barbed wire
into a black tube that was so small you can’t even army crawl, you have to
crawl like a caterpillar (which going at an upward slant is one hell of a
workout). Then once you reach the top and the tube opens up to the underpart of
a bridge only to crawl back down the other side at a downward slant, which I
noticed some people went feet first and were light enough to use it like a
slide. Since there was barbed wire at the end, I decided against that so I
could immediately start crawling though that upon exit from the tube of the
gerbil. Then we ran more and onto…
5.
Nutt Smasher
The obstacle I thought would
be cake...and was sadly mistaken. When I did Warrior Dash and they had this
obstacle, the wood beams were poles and sturdy, these were two very flimsy 2x4s
that had been screwed together and were very long, so when you reached the
center and someone else started crossing it became worse by ten fold. I almost
fell off quite a few times. Luckily I was able to cross quickly and make it off
to tape everyone else and we all made it across with no casualties.
My nuts were well prepared.
6.
Lumberjack Lane
This was a…unique obstacle.
You had to pick up a log and carry it in a circle, first half above water and
second have waste deep in it, before continuing on the race. It was a cake
obstacle, though my should was sore for 2 days afterwards since I tried to keep
my head straight to film and was pushing against the log rather hard with my
neck.
7.
Low Crawl
This most annoying part of
this obstacle: I had to stare at Kyle’s ass the entire obstacle, and he badly
needs a tan, I might add. All we had to do was military crawl under low barbed
wire for about 50 ft. which I came to find later in the race is a rather
redundant task to perform.
8.
Barn Doors
I liked this obstacle, it
wasn’t too difficult, just tall and….well, tall. Luckily no one struggled with
it.
9.
Slippery Incline Wall
This is the obstacle I froze
on for a good 2-3 minutes at Warrior Dash on, and I am happy to say I didn’t
this time, instead I just filmed everyone doing badass getting up and over the
beast. This was one of those obstacles that looked difficult but was more fun
than anything else, just run up a slanted all and climb down.
10. Mud Walls
This obstacle was
refreshing, most because it had water in it and the last 4 obstacles were all
mud based, so we got to finally rinse off a bit (and by this time my gloves
were caked with dry mud). You simply climbed up over a mud hill, down in pit of
mud water, over a wooden wall, then up and over another mud hill. Then we ran a
good quarter mile to take on a whole…
11. 96” Stiffie
I was mad by the time we
arrived at this obstacle due solely to the fact that my camera had died, so I
couldn’t film the rest of the race. This obstacle was annoying simple and
impossible all at once. Simply get over the 96” wall. The only people able to
do it were Sean and Crystal…lucky fit people and their good genetic lightness…I
also attempted to get up and over the all and almost had it but as my arms
reached the forty five degree angle it takes to hoist yourself over it my right
arm got that familiar feeling of holy shit something’s about to break
permanently, so I stopped. That angered me so immensely it’s not even funny…
12. Hay Stacks
This I didn’t even really
consider an obstacle. Just climb over two stacks of hay bales stacked 2 high. I
actually rolled over the second one, just for fun.
13. Wet Willy
This obstacle would have
been kind of cool had Crystal not been complaining about having to piss really
badly and another girl overhearing her and telling her just to piss in the
water on the next obstacle prior to us arriving there. It’s a mini lake you
have to hoist yourself across using a rope. The only thing I could think of at
that point was to keep my head above water and keep my mouth shut, but we all
know how well that works…
14. Big Ass Cargo Net
We actually skipped this
obstacle for two reasons: A) the line was at least 45 minutes long because B)
the obstacle had fallen apart and they were attempting to repair the broken
half while people were still trying to climb the unbroken side. Im sorry, but I
trained my ass off for this race to get fit, and I’ll be damned if I let a
rickety 2 story tall cargo net…thing make me meet my demise. As we passed the
line, we were met with a long melodic boo from the crowd, and they were met
with both of my middle fingers and me melodic yelling back “Yea Yea Fuck You!”
15. Kiss My Walls
The obstacle designed to
force you to cheat on it if you want to complete it. Unless you have experience
rock climbing, this one is impossibly annoying, and designed to only be
completed by those 6’1” or taller. Rock climber stubs along a cheaply tacked
together wall and the gaps between the stubs was so far apart (and after all of
those mud obstacles) it was nearly impossible to get grip unless you could
reach the top of the wall. I lasted 3 stubs in before losing it. I didn’t see
one person around us able to complete it without having to grab the top of that
wall, sadly.
16. Me So Thorny
This would be better
described as boxed barbed wire crawling. Similar to the low crawl, but higher
up in more of a cube shape and barbed wire is now on every side of you. In
other words, most of our shirts got ripped…
17. Thors Grundle
This was similar to the mud
walls, but as an added bonus, instead of crawling over the wooden wall in the
middle, you had to duck into the mud water because the tops of the wood walls
were covered in, you guessed it, barbed wire. You also had to do it twice.
18. Missionary Impossible
This is their newest
obstacle. It’s a slip in slide you have to climb up a hill on your back using a
cargo net above you to hoist yourself up the hill. This obstacle would have
been nothing but fun if my GoPro would have decided to quit falling off of my
head as many times as it did.
19. Back Scratcher
This one was redundant yet I
liked it since it was definitely stamina driven being this late in the race. Jump
over a 5 foot wall, crawl under a barbed wire wall with only a foot or two of
clearance beneath it. Rinse and repeat about 6 to 7 times and it becomes quite
a challenge.
20. Sawtooth (aka Evil Bars)
...Showoff...
Due to the 96” stiffy
incident early I sadly did not even attempts this one because I knew it would
have just angered me even further. But from what I saw I know I will do it when
I get another chance at the next mud run.
21. Mud’N’Guts
I hated this obstacle not
because it was difficult, but because it was traffic jammed with idiots and
girls who were bitching with “OMG im crawling in like, MUD!” statements. This
is just the low crawl from earlier with giant tracks of mud you get to crawl
through, and we were probably stuck in it for 10-15 minutes because it’s also
well over 100 ft. long.
22. Davy Jones’ Locker
I’m proud of doing this one,
even though it was also rather simplistic. Just climb up the tall ladder that’s
similar to a high dive, and jump into the giant pit of muddy water. The only
problem was I have a thing with heights (which I find funny since I intend on
skydiving here once I’m able to afford it). I froze up top for a few but then
finally summoned up the courage to jump off the platform. The rush was
astounding and once again, I almost lost my GoPro. This was definitely a
milestone for me.
23. Colossus
Up one side...
This was their main
obstacle. Run up a half pipe, grab a rope, hoist yourself up, and then climb a
ladder to go down a giant slide on the other side and into a water pit. I
should have been able to nail this obstacle and was literally inches from being
able to, but once a again as I started hoisting myself up my right arm started
that familiar ache and it hurt a lot worse than earlier, so I had to let go and
simply walk around to the ladder to skip the half pipe portion. At least the
slide was fun…
...Down the other.
24. Tazed
This was an obstacle I was
worried about but I think my friend Kyle got the worst of it. It began with
crawling under barbed wire (as normal at this point) then got to dangling
strings with electricity pulsing through them. Kyle and I stopped and watched a
few guys stop and cover their faces before rolling through it as fast as they
could. Kyle setup to go first but wasn’t covering his face completely. As soon
as he starts a cord falls in his face, I hear a loud crack, and he yells “OW,
FUCK!” as he finally completely covered his face. So I waited a minute or so
before going and was only hit by one cord at the end on my right knew which
made my entire right side tense. It was a shocking experience to say the least,
HAHAHA…..ha…..
25. Blazed
The photo op picture where
everyone gets to look badass as they jump over fire right before crossing the
finish line. We all jumped and finished. Our hard work finally paying off as we
received a medal, a free T-shirt, and
most importantly of all…beer.
 |
| It's beer! Hooray beer! |
Next week I’ll have the video done, and then I’ll wrap up
this blog and tell of my evil plan for my next exploit.
 |
| Team O.U.C.H. at its first official outting |
Will
\m/
